Tuesday, May 24, 2011


truth is an important realization to make in your life . truth about yourself , truth about those you love , truth about the reality of who you are , who you were and who you are on the way of becoming . sometimes it slaps you in the face like a ton a of bricks. sometimes its comes about slowly . almost a year ago now i woke up unable to breathe suffocated by the reality of my truths . i was embarrassed of the person i use to be , unhappy and terrified of the person i was , and unconfident in the person i was to become. i had completely lost myself , i had ran so fast from who i was that i never stopped to examine and nurture the person i was become. everyday i was going through the motions hoping that the next day i would have the courage to change things . i wanted so badly to have my son grow up in the fairy tale with a mom and dad that were present and in love . as much as i didn't believe this was my reality i couldn't give up on it for him . the guilt i felt on a daily basis was overpowering . his father was my everything at one point , i ran to him as if he was the very life force keeping me alive . the thought that feelings that had been that strong and created such an amazing child had turned to resentment and disappointment was unbearable to face . my part of it was unbearable to face. the trying to "fit it" had reached a dead end there was no hope for that happy family i had wanted so desperately for my child . the only thing left now was finding a way out.

here were my truths
i was married
i was miserable
i was in a city with no friends family or allies
i had a child
i was concerned for his safety well being
i had no money
i had a shitty job
i was convinced i was nothing without my husband
i had lost my identity
now what
how do you find a way out of that ...............easy ......you tell the truth . the truth isn't suppose to be easy to take but its important . so i did i told the truth and i walked one foot in front of the other step by step , the finish lining being happiness to be achieved by whatever means possible . the next 3 months were by far one of the most trying times of my life , finding out about his affairs , drug problems , lies , having people completely turn there back on me . i received hate messages about what a terrible mother and selfish person i was lost the few friends i had here . and had my sons family isolate me . i was 100 percent alone at this point . but i felt better then i had felt in years ! i was done , done crying done fighting , done being afraid . it was over and everything was gonna be new ......it didn't matter that i had no one , because for the first time in 5 years i had me .

today life is good , my son is safe and happy and learning , I'm in love with someone that respects me for me flaws and all . I'm living in a house i could only have dreamed of , expecting my 2nd baby and can only imagine how much better life will get from here, I'm in control of my life again and there is no greater feeling. here are my truths today

I'm proud of myself
i love my son
i know who I'm not
i respect myself
I'm not ashamed of my mistakes or my past
I'm in love
i don't have to be right
I'm excited about the future
I'm not alone

I'm happy ....... mission accomplished

Thursday, May 19, 2011

hey !

so i remembered my blogger password this is a good thing , i have a huge update later with lots of photos right now im gonna take advantage of my sleeping baby and take a nap myself , pregnancy has me a little drained of energy