Saturday, February 19, 2011

just a NEW start

So its been a million years since i blogged , and i have to say i have good reason . I've given my life a much needed make over . I've got a new house to re-do, a new job , and have joined the ranks of the super hero single moms , as well as the ex-wives club. it was hard to do , but has turned out to be the best decision i have ever made.

I thought being miserable was me being a good mother ,i have to make it work , i have to make it work is what i told myself over and over again everyday . my marriage was falling apart and in my mind that made me a failure not only as a wife but also as a mother. how could i do this to my son , Ive never been so filled with guilt . then one day i was given a gift , someone who is now very close to me told me " the greatest thing you can do for your child is to be happy" hearing that just flipped a switch in me , my eyes where open , i was no longer dwelling in my own self pity , and when i woke up i i started noticing how miserable my son was as well , noticed how he mimicked my sadness , how his outburst increased when his father and i fought. my love for him and my desire to give him the most amazing life possible won out over my sense of obligation to my husband . and i left .... just like that one foot in front of the other , and its been that way ever since . one step at a time .

Oliver is thriving in his new home , speaking more , running , he smiles and laughs more then ever , he even ignores the TV. his father and i are "friends" ish , Ive been as adult as possible , given him joint custody legal and physical . Oliver stays with him 3 nights a week , which kills me but its the right thing to do . hes all i have so when hes away from me my heart literally cries from him . hes my home .

Since the split all the juicy stuff has come to light , his affairs , lies , so many lies . its been hard to not feel foolish and to not take my anger out on him using our son . I've had to rise above everything , and in someways not allowed myself room or time to be angry because it seems so contour productive . he is a good father , that's what i remind myself and its the only thing that keeps me from being over taken by hate for him .

My life has changed so much and so have i , i fell 100 pounds lighter , i laugh and dance , the overall sense of me is back , i didn't realize how much of myself i lost in him . i feel pretty again , and now for the first time in years i go to bed and don't feel consumed by anxiety that i have to wake up and do the same thing again tomorrow , there aren't words to express the feeling i have now . its good to see myself again , its good to be back .......