Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Truth

truth is an important realization to make in your life . truth about yourself , truth about those you love , truth about the reality of who you are , who you were and who you are on the way of becoming . sometimes it slaps you in the face like a ton a of bricks. sometimes its comes about slowly . almost a year ago now i woke up unable to breathe suffocated by the reality of my truths . i was embarrassed of the person i use to be , unhappy and terrified of the person i was , and unconfident in the person i was to become. i had completely lost myself , i had ran so fast from who i was that i never stopped to examine and nurture the person i was become. everyday i was going through the motions hoping that the next day i would have the courage to change things . i wanted so badly to have my son grow up in the fairy tale with a mom and dad that were present and in love . as much as i didn't believe this was my reality i couldn't give up on it for him . the guilt i felt on a daily basis was overpowering . his father was my everything at one point , i ran to him as if he was the very life force keeping me alive . the thought that feelings that had been that strong and created such an amazing child had turned to resentment and disappointment was unbearable to face . my part of it was unbearable to face. the trying to "fit it" had reached a dead end there was no hope for that happy family i had wanted so desperately for my child . the only thing left now was finding a way out.

here were my truths
i was married
i was miserable
i was in a city with no friends family or allies
i had a child
i was concerned for his safety well being
i had no money
i had a shitty job
i was convinced i was nothing without my husband
i had lost my identity
now what
how do you find a way out of that ...............easy ......you tell the truth . the truth isn't suppose to be easy to take but its important . so i did i told the truth and i walked one foot in front of the other step by step , the finish lining being happiness to be achieved by whatever means possible . the next 3 months were by far one of the most trying times of my life , finding out about his affairs , drug problems , lies , having people completely turn there back on me . i received hate messages about what a terrible mother and selfish person i was lost the few friends i had here . and had my sons family isolate me . i was 100 percent alone at this point . but i felt better then i had felt in years ! i was done , done crying done fighting , done being afraid . it was over and everything was gonna be new ......it didn't matter that i had no one , because for the first time in 5 years i had me .

today life is good , my son is safe and happy and learning , I'm in love with someone that respects me for me flaws and all . I'm living in a house i could only have dreamed of , expecting my 2nd baby and can only imagine how much better life will get from here, I'm in control of my life again and there is no greater feeling. here are my truths today

I'm proud of myself
i love my son
i know who I'm not
i respect myself
I'm not ashamed of my mistakes or my past
I'm in love
i don't have to be right
I'm excited about the future
I'm not alone
and

I'm happy ....... mission accomplished

Thursday, May 19, 2011

hey !

so i remembered my blogger password this is a good thing , i have a huge update later with lots of photos right now im gonna take advantage of my sleeping baby and take a nap myself , pregnancy has me a little drained of energy

Saturday, April 16, 2011

TESTING TESTING !!! is this thing on

sooo the results are in and ...................im PREGNANT ,.... ps this is totally not a joke due christmas eve

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

doing well !!

oliver is doing great , weve had so many new changes , his father is finally figuring out how to be a single father which is amazing , and oliver is showing alot of improvements , we have 3 words back , pizza , mom , and hi , hi started doing time out on his hands , still a counting machine . hes been very frustrated but seems to getting alittle bit more comfortable , april 8th is his speech evaluation . other news im starting the blessed herbs full body cleanse today , which should be interesting here is a link if anyone is interested .... i have alot of friends that have done it ater babies and said they feel loads better . im pumped . what else ummmm my boyfriend bought me an amazing piece of jewelry i will have to post pics of later ..... annnd thats probably it for now mini update ! xoxox kat

Friday, March 4, 2011

the little differences

phase two ..... hold the speeches , call off all the advice , Ive heard it a million time "children develop at their own pace" this may be true but mommies trust your judgement . Oliver has been displaying signs of savatism for some time now , and recently stopped speaking . i was told its all the change don't worry its perfectly normal . i just didn't buy it. so after tons of research and observation i made the appointment that no parent wants the make , the one where you tell the doctor that something is off about your child . he is able to copy every audio pattern he hears , and obsessively drums melodies that he hears . his pattern recognition in general is bizarre for an 18 month old . and he stopped speaking , which is a huge deal , lose of a skill is monumentally bad. i tell all this to his doctor who then does a few test and comes back to me with information i wasn't at all surprised to hear , although i was hoping for a different opinion . pervasive developmental disorder otherwise known as aspergers or savant syndrome . FUCK........ what now , what next , how did this happen , what did i do wrong , how do we fix it , who's gonna help me , talk about your mind being flooded with information . the doctor then informed me about the testing that we would be doing over then next 4 months and that this isn't a diagnosis that he could still be "normal" what an ugly ugly word that is now. she reminded me that at the end of the day he is still the same child and that his problem is that hes brilliant and needs help molding his special talents so that he can function in society ..... so that's what I'm gonna keep telling myself ...... but hey universe if your listening to my silly unimportant bitching ...... Ive had about all i can handle this month .....xoxox kat video

Saturday, February 19, 2011

just a NEW start

So its been a million years since i blogged , and i have to say i have good reason . I've given my life a much needed make over . I've got a new house to re-do, a new job , and have joined the ranks of the super hero single moms , as well as the ex-wives club. it was hard to do , but has turned out to be the best decision i have ever made.

I thought being miserable was me being a good mother ,i have to make it work , i have to make it work is what i told myself over and over again everyday . my marriage was falling apart and in my mind that made me a failure not only as a wife but also as a mother. how could i do this to my son , Ive never been so filled with guilt . then one day i was given a gift , someone who is now very close to me told me " the greatest thing you can do for your child is to be happy" hearing that just flipped a switch in me , my eyes where open , i was no longer dwelling in my own self pity , and when i woke up i i started noticing how miserable my son was as well , noticed how he mimicked my sadness , how his outburst increased when his father and i fought. my love for him and my desire to give him the most amazing life possible won out over my sense of obligation to my husband . and i left .... just like that one foot in front of the other , and its been that way ever since . one step at a time .

Oliver is thriving in his new home , speaking more , running , he smiles and laughs more then ever , he even ignores the TV. his father and i are "friends" ish , Ive been as adult as possible , given him joint custody legal and physical . Oliver stays with him 3 nights a week , which kills me but its the right thing to do . hes all i have so when hes away from me my heart literally cries from him . hes my home .

Since the split all the juicy stuff has come to light , his affairs , lies , so many lies . its been hard to not feel foolish and to not take my anger out on him using our son . I've had to rise above everything , and in someways not allowed myself room or time to be angry because it seems so contour productive . he is a good father , that's what i remind myself and its the only thing that keeps me from being over taken by hate for him .

My life has changed so much and so have i , i fell 100 pounds lighter , i laugh and dance , the overall sense of me is back , i didn't realize how much of myself i lost in him . i feel pretty again , and now for the first time in years i go to bed and don't feel consumed by anxiety that i have to wake up and do the same thing again tomorrow , there aren't words to express the feeling i have now . its good to see myself again , its good to be back .......