Saturday, February 19, 2011

just a NEW start

So its been a million years since i blogged , and i have to say i have good reason . I've given my life a much needed make over . I've got a new house to re-do, a new job , and have joined the ranks of the super hero single moms , as well as the ex-wives club. it was hard to do , but has turned out to be the best decision i have ever made.

I thought being miserable was me being a good mother ,i have to make it work , i have to make it work is what i told myself over and over again everyday . my marriage was falling apart and in my mind that made me a failure not only as a wife but also as a mother. how could i do this to my son , Ive never been so filled with guilt . then one day i was given a gift , someone who is now very close to me told me " the greatest thing you can do for your child is to be happy" hearing that just flipped a switch in me , my eyes where open , i was no longer dwelling in my own self pity , and when i woke up i i started noticing how miserable my son was as well , noticed how he mimicked my sadness , how his outburst increased when his father and i fought. my love for him and my desire to give him the most amazing life possible won out over my sense of obligation to my husband . and i left .... just like that one foot in front of the other , and its been that way ever since . one step at a time .

Oliver is thriving in his new home , speaking more , running , he smiles and laughs more then ever , he even ignores the TV. his father and i are "friends" ish , Ive been as adult as possible , given him joint custody legal and physical . Oliver stays with him 3 nights a week , which kills me but its the right thing to do . hes all i have so when hes away from me my heart literally cries from him . hes my home .

Since the split all the juicy stuff has come to light , his affairs , lies , so many lies . its been hard to not feel foolish and to not take my anger out on him using our son . I've had to rise above everything , and in someways not allowed myself room or time to be angry because it seems so contour productive . he is a good father , that's what i remind myself and its the only thing that keeps me from being over taken by hate for him .

My life has changed so much and so have i , i fell 100 pounds lighter , i laugh and dance , the overall sense of me is back , i didn't realize how much of myself i lost in him . i feel pretty again , and now for the first time in years i go to bed and don't feel consumed by anxiety that i have to wake up and do the same thing again tomorrow , there aren't words to express the feeling i have now . its good to see myself again , its good to be back .......


  1. so amazing! i'm really happy for you... and admire you for the choices you made even though they weren't the easiest.. good luck on this new adventure! XOXO

  2. Wow! Great blogging..... I love that you didn't stay unhappy and that makes you the best mama for your son! He is a cutie for sure. Congrats on finding yourself again and being you! That takes a lot when your in a situation like that. I love that you didn't just sit around and stay miserable. Your awesome for that! Great update. Just started reading your blog too. :-)

  3. thanks summer , im gonna try to not slack on it so much ,

  4. So proud of you! I knew there was something going on but I didn't want to ask. It's good to see you happy again! xoxo

  5. wow. i am so impressed with you.The way you have risen above all that crap is seriously glad you are back to blogging!

  6. this is awesome kat. i'm happy for you :)